


Free Agents

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crossover, various fandoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:30:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Humour. The annual meeting and mixer of the Free Agents of the FBI.





	Free Agents

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

Free Agents by Halrloprillalar

7 November 1998  
DISTRIBUTION: OK for Archive/X, Ferret Cage. Elsewhere by permission. Email forwarding is allowed.  
RATING: R for M/M stuff.  
SPOILERS:  
X-Files: Season Five  
Millennium: Season Three  
Twin Peaks: Vaguely  
Star Wars: Darth Vader is Luke's father  
SUMMARY: Humour. The annual meeting and mixer of the Free Agents of the FBI.  
NOTES: For AnneZo's challenge, to celebrate the return of our favourite guys. I couldn't limit myself to just one show. And the method used in the story to pick the pairings was the one I used myself, I swear!  
DISCLAIMER: All hail David Lynch! I bow before him and hope he will excuse me for borrowing his characters (and for not letting Gordon Cole see any action here). Oh, and the rest belong to that other guy, what was his name again?  
November 1998

* * *

Free Agents  
by Halrloprillalar  
<>

"The annual meeting and mixer of the Free Agents of the FBI is now in session. As president, I would like to welcome you all." Dale Cooper stood in front of the small group, smiling brightly, well-groomed and gleaming.

"Now can we start the party?" Fox Mulder called from the back.

Frank Black looked at Mulder. "I think we should listen to him," he rasped.

Cooper continued. "We don't have a lot of business to take care of, but I'd like you all to welcome our newest member, Barry Baldwin." He took the young man's shoulder and turned him to face the others. Then he began to applaud. After a moment, some of the others joined in.

Leaning against the wall, Albert Rosenfield crossed his arms rather than clap. Beside him, Walter Skinner did the same. They shared a derisive glance.

"Now, if there's nothing else, we'll--"

Jeffrey Spender cut Cooper off. "I want to know why you won't let Pendrell be in the Free Agents anymore. You let *him* in, didn't you?" He gestured to Alex Krycek.

"Spender, I understand your concern." Cooper came over to the young agents and put his arm around his shoulders. "Pendrell was a good man. But he's dead. You have to move beyond that."

"OK, but what about Krycek? He's a spy!"

"Jeff, Krycek was an agent of the Bureau, even if he is no longer." Cooper smiled again.

"Besides, if I weren't here," Krycek said, "who would you boys beat up?"

"Hang in there, Jeff." Cooper returned to the front of the room. "Is everyone ready for the pairings?" A murmur of assent rippled through the group. "Albert, would you help me draw?"

Rosenfield gave Skinner one more look, then stalked to the front of the room, fixing Cooper with a baleful glare. Cooper simply smiled. Again. Picking up a small black bowl, he mixed up the slips of paper already inside and held it out.

Albert pulled out the first two slips. "Mulder and Rosenfield. Oh God."

"You're a lucky boy, Mulder." Cooper winked. "OK, next."

"Cooper and Krycek." Albert's eyes flicked over Krycek. "Cooper, I'll trade you."

"I don't think so," Krycek said. "I've been waiting years for this."

"That's very flattering, Mr Krycek." Cooper smiled one more time. "Next, Albert."

"Baldwin and Spender."

Both young men lit up at this, and sidled closer to each other.

"And that leaves Skinner and Black. Lights, music, please." Cooper spread his hands wide, palms out. "Let the party begin."

***

Albert remained standing at the front of the room, so Mulder approached him.

"Nice to see you again, Rosenfield." Mulder smiled the smile of a man who knows his hair is the perfection of tousled beauty.

"Let's just get this over with."

"Get it over with? I'm hurt." Mulder pouted the pout of a man who knows his lips are the perfection of sensual pouting.

"And I'm all torn up about it." Albert raised his eyebrows. "Now, I'm a busy man, so if you don't mind...?"

"You wound me." Mulder pressed one hand to his heart. "But I think by the time I'm done with you, you'll have forgotten all about your busy schedule." He pouted again. "I like a challenge."

As he dropped to his knees, he failed to notice the faintly pleased smirk on Albert's face.

***

Spender and Baldwin sat down together on a couch at the edge of the room, turning inward to face each other.

Baldwin stretched his arm along Spender's shoulders. "Am I glad I drew you. Most of these guys are so old and I don't think many of them like me."

"I know just how you feel." Spender leaned close. "But from what I've heard, I think you and I have a lot in common." He ran a finger over Baldwin's cheekbone. "And I like you very much."

Baldwin caught the finger and drew it along his lips. "Better than Pendrell?"

"I'll have to see if you're as good as he is."

"Oh, I'm better." Baldwin smiled. "I have two propositions for you, Jeff."

"Two?" Spender sat back against the couch.

"One has to do with our careers. How we can help each other. Work together."

"And the second?"

Spender found himself pressed hard against the cushions, drowning in a skilful kiss. After a few minutes they came up for air.

"Barry, if you plot half as well as you kiss, we'll be running this place in six months."

***

Mulder leaned back on his heels and licked his lips. "So, have I convinced you?"

Albert looked down at him pityingly. "Only of your sloppy technique and lack of attention to detail. How you ever became an FBI agent is beyond me."

"Sloppy? I give the best head in DC." Mulder knelt forward again. "You *will* believe me."

***

"Cooper, this is a real honour for me." Krycek held out his right hand.

"The pleasure is all mine." Cooper engaged Krycek in a manly handshake.

"I've always admired you. When I was posing as an FBI agent, I modelled my appearance on you."

"I see you've changed your look a little since then." Cooper indicated Krycek's leather jacket, left sleeve hanging empty. "Some people might be put off by the prospect of sexual congress with a one-armed man, but frankly, Alex, physical abnormalities excite me."

"I've got the prosthesis in a case somewhere here." Krycek licked his lips. "With some attachments."

Cooper clapped Krycek on the shoulder. "Excellent. Nothing like a new experience." He loosened his tie. "Shall we begin?"

***

"Well?" Mulder wiped his face with the back of his hand.

Albert shook his head. "No stamina. You lost your focus near the end."

"Dammit, Rosenfield, I'll show you stamina."

***

"It's good to have you back, Frank," Skinner said.

"Thanks, Walter." Neither man spoke for a moment.

Skinner broke the silence. "How's Jordan?"

"Growing like a weed. Do you want to see a picture?" Frank got out his wallet. "Well, this was taken a while ago. Her front teeth are back in now."

"She's beautiful, Frank."

There was quiet again.

"I don't know about you, Walter, but I'm not really into this right now." Frank paused. "I'm still pretty upset about Catherine."

"I know, Frank, I'm sorry." Skinner stepped a little closer. "You know, when my wife died, I was angry at myself. I thought it was my fault. I couldn't forgive myself, not for her death, not for the pain I caused her because of my work."

Frank's gaze held Skinner's. "What did you do?"

"I sat in my apartment, drinking Scotch, growing more and more morose. Then Mulder came over and we fucked like rabbits all weekend. I felt a lot better afterwards."

Frank reached out and put his hand on Skinner's arm. His eyes glazed over as he stared at something no one else could see. Blinking, he came back to himself. "Do you think that could work for me?"

"Positive."

***

Mulder collapsed onto the floor, a small trickle of blood streaking the corner of his mouth. "Well?" he croaked.

"Agent Mulder, you were right." Albert smiled. Fishing a latex glove out of his pocket, he snapped it on. "Your turn."

***

Dana Scully leaned over on the couch and slid one hand onto Pendrell's chest. "You mean they kicked you out of the Free Agents just because you're dead?"

He opened his blue eyes wide and sad. "Yeah, that was the only reason."

On his other side, Emma Hollis stroked his red hair. "That's so unfair." One dark finger on his chin turned his face towards her. "But I'm glad you could come over. We'll show you a better time than those testosterone-poisoned jerks."

Scully pressed her lips against his cheek. "And Holly will be by any time now."

"You mean you don't mind that I'm dead?"

Hollis nuzzled behind his ear. "Did you ever see that movie 'Kissed'?"

F I N I S

If I had to choose just one, I'd do Albert. How about you? 


End file.
